Musings from the Fat Front

So, I had this experience yesterday where I took the kid to play down the street at a neighbors house.  It was the first time we went down - a get to know you kind of thing.  Another family came over and it was a kid-a-palooza.  Anyway, this is not about the kid, but about me. I had this moment sitting with these other two moms - one tall and thin and the other normal/slender and I realized - "Wow, I don't stand out as fat here".  "I wonder if they know I used to be fat and still need to drop fifteen pounds".  I am guessing the need to lose that weight isn't exactly hidden.

Now, I am not really sure where I fit in the fat/size line up.  I was wearing a pair of size eight pants that run fuck of small and were baggy... I tend to wear size sixes on the bottoms and eights on top - I occasionally wear size four pants, mostly size four skirts and every once and awhile and eight. On top I am an eight - sometimes a six- every now and then a ten.  I walk around feeling as  big as I did when I was a size sixteen/eighteen and I often forget that I am smaller.  Truth be told- the bulk of my pants and jeans are sixes, one or two eights and one or two fours.  They might as well be size 16s, 18s and 14s - I feel that big.  And in a true nod to distorted body image- that is what I see in the mirror.

I think if I was on that new Carson Kresly show, I would be heading down to the end of the weight line with the big girls to find my match.  I cannot shake living la vida large.  I feel like the same old big girl that I was for decades. 

So, yesterday, I was going into my old mindset of 'feeling fat' especially around meeting new people when it occurred to me- these total strangers probably didn't see me as fat. Maybe a bit plump, but fat was probably not the first thing that registered about my appearance. Tre' trippy. It was a wild thought.  I also realized that no one looked at me like I was a freak for being fat and training for a marathon- we were talking exercise and yoga and YMCA classes and how to all of that with kids and I mentioned that I ran and trained. It didn't seem to surprise anyone.  Now quite honestly, even if I weighed an extra hundred pounds- I don't think these two women would have raised a brow at me training.  They are very cool and accepting women- I don't perceive them to be size-ist or fat-phobic.

When I used to talk about exercising it was like a huge shock that this fat girl was super fit and active. That shit use to piss me off - its a very nasty part of fat phobia. The shock that a big man or woman desires, engages in, and excels at fitness activities.  I cannot even begin to tell you the kind of crap I encountered owning my right to be fit and phat. Anyway, its I think I am probably pretty body dysmorphic.  I keep thinking that I am not really close to "normal" size that I just keep finding vanity sizes to wear and that they are all probably really more like 14s than 6s and 8s.

I should say by "normal" I mean not being sentenced to Lane Bryant, Torrid and careful scavenging at TJ Maxx, Marshalls and of course Macy's Woman and Nordstrom's Encore. I still gravitate to those stores and I have to admit, I have a hard time not saving my LB Real Women Coupons.  I also bring size 12s and 14s to the dressing room to try on.  Honestly, I am giving up on shopping for a few different reasons - but right now its a relief to not challenge my size distortion.

I am due to drop another ten to fifteen pounds and I am so curious as to whether that weight loss will help me cross the mental line to feeling normal.  I think I actually want to feel thin, not just normal. I had a woman recently stop me to talk about shoes -we were bargain shoe hunting- and she made some reference to the fact that a 'small woman like you can wear....".  It tripped me out.

I really think that people are seeing me as a big, phat chick.  I tell you, I rocked my big sizes.  I had a fantastic wardrobe, not too slutty, but sexy and chic.  I see myself as the same size with a little less mojo.

Its such a trip to have glimmers where I realize that not only do new people I meet not think I am obese or fat- they probably don't even know that I used be and weighted almost seventy pounds more than I do right now.  That is one of super trippy things about right now- I feel certain people can tell.  I feel like people look at me and think 'wow, its a formally super fat girl who still needs to drop another fifteen to twenty-five pounds".   Really, they are probably saying, "WTF  is up with her roots and those bags under her eyes - girl looks torn up!"

And then I do stuff like go to yoga and my teacher (who I have studied with for years) who hasn't seen me in six months- tells me I don't need to lose another ounce based on my appearance, strength and endurance in the two hour class. 

I am feeling lucky that intensive weight training, pilates, yoga, cross training and running between 25-30 miles a week is having a pretty nice impact on any loose skin. I may escape that curse. But, all that said, in order to be well within a healthy BMI - I need to drop down another 10-15. Right now I squeak by as healthy.  Now, I know, I am extremely muscular, but still, I just want to never make an excuse for being any kind of overweight again.

Hopefully, my weight is on a downward trend again. I had a bit of a plateau and seem to be busting through it and can hopefully muse on this topic from the other side - maintenance. 

Comments

[Calamity Jen]

I don't know how you do it. I'm on the opposite trip; I was skinny when I was younger, but as my metabolism has slowed to a crawl and I have maintained my strict sedentary lifestyle, my weight has crept upward. I admire your dedication to fitness - and I would have admired it equally if I had known you when you were large. As for me, I can't seem to resist the lure of the couch.

[Dagny]

Every time I see Carson's new show, I think of you -- especially when the women have to decide where they belong in the spectrum.

[bitchwhoblogs]

Calamity - I cannot imagine ever living as thin
Dagny- I must watch the show!!! I know the premise.

I was feeling hugely fat yesterday - in size four levis - and identifying women who were comparable to my size on the BART and I realized - I still totally see myself as a size 14/16/18. I literally see myself as the same size as my old self.

Weird... I can look at photos of myself and can tell that I am smaller, yet I still feel that I am big and see big in the mirror.

So interesting...

[PastaQueen]

When I started losing weight, I was worried that I would always feel like "the fat girl" and I've been really surprised that I don't feel that way at all. Thin feels totally normal to me. I don't know why it's that way for me. Maybe it's because I got out young and the fat girl stuff didn't complete saturate my psyche. I don't know. Good luck getting your head around your real size!

[Lynne]

Wow - You are the "ME" I want to be... I am crazy jealous - I don't want to be FAT GIRL RACING this year... Why did this weight loss effort work for you? I haven't read your blog before; so I am curious....

[cassyfatnastee]

Just showing love.

http://boughettonews.blogspot.com/

[Jen]

Sorry, but someone has to say it:

Skinny bitch!

Seriously, I hope you start seeing yourself more realistically soon. It sounds like you look great.

[expressingmyselfthrough]

This is the first time i've read your stuff and it is totally inspirational. I am at the complete beginning of my weight loss. I recently passed my highest previous weight and that has managed to get me moving again. Hopefully, reading about people like you who have managed to push themselves and lose the weight can keep me pushing myself.

[Lorraine]

I'm the opposite I felt skinnyish when I was a 14 and was shocked by pictures of me or the mirror. Now I'm a 4 I feel I look how I always felt. I was a 4 6 8 most of my life without dieting till I hit 40 then I piled on.